Tears

I feel like I have shed a million tears over the past few days, and millions more over the past few months. I know there are even more millions to come.



My heart aches, my entire body hurts and I feel as if I am walking around in a daze. My Mom's health continues to decline and my father has finally admitted he can no longer meet her needs by himself. She requires almost total care now-she needs help in and out of bed, in and out of the chair, with toileting, dressing, etc. Right now she is in the hospital because she is unable to hold food down and is very weak. So far, I know nothing about her condition except for her vital signs are stable. Not knowing is sometimes much worse than the alternative. I know death is coming soon for her and I have accepted that. I understand I will see her again and we will be a forever family. I just want her pain and suffering to end, I want her to be calm and at peace.


I am still hoping to get both of my parents unto an assisted living facility in the next few weeks. Technically, Mom is too severe for one but they are willing to give Dad the extra help until Hospice can be called in. She can't get into an ALF while under Hospice so we are waiting for her to move in and then get her started with them.


On another front, my oldest niece just suffered a major loss. Baby Nora was due 2/12/2010 and she went home to GOD on Monday. My niece went to her Doctor's appointment Monday and they couldn't find a heartbeat, same thing at the hospital. Labor was induced on Tuesday and baby Nora was born hours later. The doctors have no real explanation at this point. There is a possibility the cord was kinked or something comparable. My heart just breaks for my niece-she was so excited about Nora. She was truly the happiest I had seen her in years. She did everything right in her pregnancy-no alcohol, no smoking, no caffeine, eating healthy, etc. I know sometimes things just happen but it is so hard to accept. No one has told my father about the baby yet and neither my brother nor I want to, even though we know it's necessary. I do have a dear cousin who is a counselor and close to the family who has offered to come in from out of town and be with my parents when my brother tells them.


All of this leaves me feeling like I should be 3 places at once. I need to be at work-I have obligations there not to mention upcoming subpoenas. I need to be with my Mom and Dad and I need to be with my niece and brother. What to do???????????? I'm praying fervently for strength and guidance but am also experiencing some wavering in my faith. That too makes me feel guilty. So for now, I am walking around in a daze from lack of sleep, massive stress,  and overwhelming emotions.