Grief

This emotion called grief is so much more than just an emotion for me. It's a way of thinking, a state of being, a process to work through, an explanation of why I am the way I am right now, and even more.
My grief started months ago when I realized my mother was not getting better mentally. I started grieving then for the Mom I knew, the one who was no longer there. This grief was something I faced everyday when I was on the phone with her or with just Dad when I would hear her say " tell her I Love her, that's enough". I made that call every afternoon as I drove home from work and every afternoon I would arrive home in tears. Poor little R was so confused by my tears, my silence, my desire to be alone-she would sometimes come up to me and pat me and say Mommy, it's okay, don't cry.
I'm not sure when I realized or accepted that my Mom's cancer was terminal this time. I think I knew it from the time she told me, right before our trip to Mobile and Bellingrath Gardens. I remember talking to her about chemo and reassuring her she didn't have to go through it again if she didn't want to. I wanted her to know then that she didn't have to keep fighting if she was ready to go home to Heaven. She of course decided to go ahead with chemo and fight the disease, but it was short lived.
Seeing my Mom so helpless and such a shell of her true self helped me accept her prognosis. Each time I helped her dress, bathe, eat, transfer, etc, I began to let go of my hopes of her getting better. It felt like I was letting go of a huge bunch of  balloons one by one-sad to see each one float away but relieved there were less to hold on to.
It's been a little over 2 weeks since Mom died and I still have times when tears well up for no reason. I am distracted, lost in random thoughts, unmotivated, cranky, irritable, emotional, and the list goes on. I've completely lost my composure a few times in the car and in the shower. I try to maintain when I am around others. I'm one of those people who feel crying is something you do alone or with a close friend/companion, not in front of people. For me, grief is a very personal experience, one I choose not to share with many people. Sharing it here is cathartic for me and somehow okay since at least my tears are private.
On a different note, no matter how much the hubby and I argue, disagree, fued, etc-he holds my heart. Hubby was there for my Mom when my emotions wouldn't allow me too. He held her hand while she took her last breaths. The fact he did this proves he is an amazing man, even if I sometimes forget he is. I <3 RLB

EGF, Always in my heart

RIP Mom

Eleanor Gray Fulmer went home to be with the Lord on 2/25/2010. She will be missed by many, especially me.

God looked around His garden



And found an empty place.


He then looked down upon the earth


And saw your tired face.


He put his arms around you


And lifted you to rest.


God’s garden must be beautiful


He always takes the best.


He saw the road was getting rough


And the hills were hard to climb,


So He closed your weary eyelids


And whispered "Peace be thine".


It broke our hearts to lose you


But you didn’t go alone,


For part of us went with you


The day God called you home.


 
 
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight that ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumns’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there;
I did not die.

Memories

As the time of my mother's death draws closer, I am trying to remember all the fun times we spent together as mother and daughter, and as a family.
With the recent snow in Alabama, I was reminded of a trip my Mom and I took to Mobile in 1992 or 1993. We went down for my interview for physical therapy school, with the intention of spending just one night. Mother Nature had other plans. As we were driving back north, the snow started falling, quicker, harder, bigger-whatever words you use for LOTS of snow. It finally got bad enough that I felt I couldn't see good enough to drive safely, so we stopped at the first hotel we came to. We ended up on the outskirts of Thomasville in a little crappy motel with NO amenities-zero, nada, zilch.  We check in the hotel and do our best to get some sleep after watching the weather. Morning comes, we are starving so I go to the desk and inquire about the roads, which we find out are closed until at least noon.
BY this time, I'm starving and wanting to go somewhere for breakfast, that wasn't a possibility because of the roads. So, we ended up going to the convenience store across the street and grabbing stuff from there. I assumed we would at least be able to venture into the town for lunch, wrong. After spending the morning calling my Dad and some relatives, we spent the rest of the morning watching TV and joking about the whole situation. Lunch time rolls around and we just catch the news report that the roads going north are closed for the rest of the day. ACK!!! We have no more clean clothes!
With that lovely news in mind, mom and I attempt to drive into town, no luck there, the tires just spin on the ice in the parking lot and I have to coax the land barge back into a parking spot which was no easy feat for a Southern girl. I of course then made the trek over to the convenience store to scavenge food for lunch. Thank goodness for microwaves :) This type of routine goes on for another day until the roads open up. We actually washed our clothes in the sink with shampoo, added conditioner to the rinse water for fabric softener and dried them on top of the heater. How's that for improvisation???
By the time we were able to leave, the car was covered in snow and ice and I was certainly not equipped to shovel (or whatever you call it) snow off the car. So, more improvising with a hotel garbage can and hot water from the tub. The drive home was pretty uneventful except for 2 spots that required being pulled through the snow and ice. You have to love guys in trucks with a wench who just stay in a spot and help people who get stuck. I heart the South :) The short trip home did take forever but it was worth it to be in our own beds and have real CLEAN clothes.

This post was still in draft form and I finished it today (3/5), one week and a day since my Mom went to Heaven.