Monday, March 15, 2010


This emotion called grief is so much more than just an emotion for me. It's a way of thinking, a state of being, a process to work through, an explanation of why I am the way I am right now, and even more.
My grief started months ago when I realized my mother was not getting better mentally. I started grieving then for the Mom I knew, the one who was no longer there. This grief was something I faced everyday when I was on the phone with her or with just Dad when I would hear her say " tell her I Love her, that's enough". I made that call every afternoon as I drove home from work and every afternoon I would arrive home in tears. Poor little R was so confused by my tears, my silence, my desire to be alone-she would sometimes come up to me and pat me and say Mommy, it's okay, don't cry.
I'm not sure when I realized or accepted that my Mom's cancer was terminal this time. I think I knew it from the time she told me, right before our trip to Mobile and Bellingrath Gardens. I remember talking to her about chemo and reassuring her she didn't have to go through it again if she didn't want to. I wanted her to know then that she didn't have to keep fighting if she was ready to go home to Heaven. She of course decided to go ahead with chemo and fight the disease, but it was short lived.
Seeing my Mom so helpless and such a shell of her true self helped me accept her prognosis. Each time I helped her dress, bathe, eat, transfer, etc, I began to let go of my hopes of her getting better. It felt like I was letting go of a huge bunch of  balloons one by one-sad to see each one float away but relieved there were less to hold on to.
It's been a little over 2 weeks since Mom died and I still have times when tears well up for no reason. I am distracted, lost in random thoughts, unmotivated, cranky, irritable, emotional, and the list goes on. I've completely lost my composure a few times in the car and in the shower. I try to maintain when I am around others. I'm one of those people who feel crying is something you do alone or with a close friend/companion, not in front of people. For me, grief is a very personal experience, one I choose not to share with many people. Sharing it here is cathartic for me and somehow okay since at least my tears are private.
On a different note, no matter how much the hubby and I argue, disagree, fued, etc-he holds my heart. Hubby was there for my Mom when my emotions wouldn't allow me too. He held her hand while she took her last breaths. The fact he did this proves he is an amazing man, even if I sometimes forget he is. I <3 RLB

EGF, Always in my heart


kym said...

Ohhh, I feel for you. My dad died in a completely different way. Suddenly without warning. For me it was like being tackled from behind not knowing you were even playing football. Your description of letting go touches my heart.
I am so glad that you have shared this journey with us both here and on FB. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your soul with me. Grief is hard. Love you, Kym

ocean said...

I appreciate your sentiments. I sometimes find it much easier to write/type my feelings versus expressing them verbally when they relate to something so uncomfortable, intense, etc. And yes, grief is so hard!