R looked adorable in her new Easter dress her Granny bought. She went to the nursery at church somewhat reluctantly but did okay so I'm told. Can you believe I didn't take a picture of her in her dress???? Yeah, me neither. We did film her hunting Easter Eggs, she was beyond funny. I am convinced 'WHERE' is her new favorite word.
This weekend we headed out to Pier Park in PCB to shop for Mommy some clothes and ride the carousel. Little R asked about the carousel and ferris wheel the entire time we shopped, but managed to keep it together until time to play. She was super excited about the carousel-until it started moving. Then she decided she wanted off and wanted to go home. R didn't completely melt down but she certainly was not happy about the ride. Right as the ride was about to stop she said "That's not so bad". That little lady makes me smile :) To complete our day we had lunch at 5 Guys Burger and Fries, visited with R's sitter who we happened to see, threw pennies into the fountain, played with toys at the toy store, played in the sand and ate rainbow popcorn. I love our mommy and me dates .
Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Grief
This emotion called grief is so much more than just an emotion for me. It's a way of thinking, a state of being, a process to work through, an explanation of why I am the way I am right now, and even more.
My grief started months ago when I realized my mother was not getting better mentally. I started grieving then for the Mom I knew, the one who was no longer there. This grief was something I faced everyday when I was on the phone with her or with just Dad when I would hear her say " tell her I Love her, that's enough". I made that call every afternoon as I drove home from work and every afternoon I would arrive home in tears. Poor little R was so confused by my tears, my silence, my desire to be alone-she would sometimes come up to me and pat me and say Mommy, it's okay, don't cry.
I'm not sure when I realized or accepted that my Mom's cancer was terminal this time. I think I knew it from the time she told me, right before our trip to Mobile and Bellingrath Gardens. I remember talking to her about chemo and reassuring her she didn't have to go through it again if she didn't want to. I wanted her to know then that she didn't have to keep fighting if she was ready to go home to Heaven. She of course decided to go ahead with chemo and fight the disease, but it was short lived.
Seeing my Mom so helpless and such a shell of her true self helped me accept her prognosis. Each time I helped her dress, bathe, eat, transfer, etc, I began to let go of my hopes of her getting better. It felt like I was letting go of a huge bunch of balloons one by one-sad to see each one float away but relieved there were less to hold on to.
It's been a little over 2 weeks since Mom died and I still have times when tears well up for no reason. I am distracted, lost in random thoughts, unmotivated, cranky, irritable, emotional, and the list goes on. I've completely lost my composure a few times in the car and in the shower. I try to maintain when I am around others. I'm one of those people who feel crying is something you do alone or with a close friend/companion, not in front of people. For me, grief is a very personal experience, one I choose not to share with many people. Sharing it here is cathartic for me and somehow okay since at least my tears are private.
On a different note, no matter how much the hubby and I argue, disagree, fued, etc-he holds my heart. Hubby was there for my Mom when my emotions wouldn't allow me too. He held her hand while she took her last breaths. The fact he did this proves he is an amazing man, even if I sometimes forget he is. I <3 RLB
EGF, Always in my heart
My grief started months ago when I realized my mother was not getting better mentally. I started grieving then for the Mom I knew, the one who was no longer there. This grief was something I faced everyday when I was on the phone with her or with just Dad when I would hear her say " tell her I Love her, that's enough". I made that call every afternoon as I drove home from work and every afternoon I would arrive home in tears. Poor little R was so confused by my tears, my silence, my desire to be alone-she would sometimes come up to me and pat me and say Mommy, it's okay, don't cry.
I'm not sure when I realized or accepted that my Mom's cancer was terminal this time. I think I knew it from the time she told me, right before our trip to Mobile and Bellingrath Gardens. I remember talking to her about chemo and reassuring her she didn't have to go through it again if she didn't want to. I wanted her to know then that she didn't have to keep fighting if she was ready to go home to Heaven. She of course decided to go ahead with chemo and fight the disease, but it was short lived.
Seeing my Mom so helpless and such a shell of her true self helped me accept her prognosis. Each time I helped her dress, bathe, eat, transfer, etc, I began to let go of my hopes of her getting better. It felt like I was letting go of a huge bunch of balloons one by one-sad to see each one float away but relieved there were less to hold on to.
It's been a little over 2 weeks since Mom died and I still have times when tears well up for no reason. I am distracted, lost in random thoughts, unmotivated, cranky, irritable, emotional, and the list goes on. I've completely lost my composure a few times in the car and in the shower. I try to maintain when I am around others. I'm one of those people who feel crying is something you do alone or with a close friend/companion, not in front of people. For me, grief is a very personal experience, one I choose not to share with many people. Sharing it here is cathartic for me and somehow okay since at least my tears are private.
On a different note, no matter how much the hubby and I argue, disagree, fued, etc-he holds my heart. Hubby was there for my Mom when my emotions wouldn't allow me too. He held her hand while she took her last breaths. The fact he did this proves he is an amazing man, even if I sometimes forget he is. I <3 RLB
EGF, Always in my heart
Friday, March 5, 2010
RIP Mom
Eleanor Gray Fulmer went home to be with the Lord on 2/25/2010. She will be missed by many, especially me.
God looked around His garden
And found an empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered "Peace be thine".
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight that ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumns’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there;
I did not die.
God looked around His garden
And found an empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids
And whispered "Peace be thine".
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight that ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumns’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there;
I did not die.
Memories
As the time of my mother's death draws closer, I am trying to remember all the fun times we spent together as mother and daughter, and as a family.
With the recent snow in Alabama, I was reminded of a trip my Mom and I took to Mobile in 1992 or 1993. We went down for my interview for physical therapy school, with the intention of spending just one night. Mother Nature had other plans. As we were driving back north, the snow started falling, quicker, harder, bigger-whatever words you use for LOTS of snow. It finally got bad enough that I felt I couldn't see good enough to drive safely, so we stopped at the first hotel we came to. We ended up on the outskirts of Thomasville in a little crappy motel with NO amenities-zero, nada, zilch. We check in the hotel and do our best to get some sleep after watching the weather. Morning comes, we are starving so I go to the desk and inquire about the roads, which we find out are closed until at least noon.
BY this time, I'm starving and wanting to go somewhere for breakfast, that wasn't a possibility because of the roads. So, we ended up going to the convenience store across the street and grabbing stuff from there. I assumed we would at least be able to venture into the town for lunch, wrong. After spending the morning calling my Dad and some relatives, we spent the rest of the morning watching TV and joking about the whole situation. Lunch time rolls around and we just catch the news report that the roads going north are closed for the rest of the day. ACK!!! We have no more clean clothes!
With that lovely news in mind, mom and I attempt to drive into town, no luck there, the tires just spin on the ice in the parking lot and I have to coax the land barge back into a parking spot which was no easy feat for a Southern girl. I of course then made the trek over to the convenience store to scavenge food for lunch. Thank goodness for microwaves :) This type of routine goes on for another day until the roads open up. We actually washed our clothes in the sink with shampoo, added conditioner to the rinse water for fabric softener and dried them on top of the heater. How's that for improvisation???
By the time we were able to leave, the car was covered in snow and ice and I was certainly not equipped to shovel (or whatever you call it) snow off the car. So, more improvising with a hotel garbage can and hot water from the tub. The drive home was pretty uneventful except for 2 spots that required being pulled through the snow and ice. You have to love guys in trucks with a wench who just stay in a spot and help people who get stuck. I heart the South :) The short trip home did take forever but it was worth it to be in our own beds and have real CLEAN clothes.
This post was still in draft form and I finished it today (3/5), one week and a day since my Mom went to Heaven.
With the recent snow in Alabama, I was reminded of a trip my Mom and I took to Mobile in 1992 or 1993. We went down for my interview for physical therapy school, with the intention of spending just one night. Mother Nature had other plans. As we were driving back north, the snow started falling, quicker, harder, bigger-whatever words you use for LOTS of snow. It finally got bad enough that I felt I couldn't see good enough to drive safely, so we stopped at the first hotel we came to. We ended up on the outskirts of Thomasville in a little crappy motel with NO amenities-zero, nada, zilch. We check in the hotel and do our best to get some sleep after watching the weather. Morning comes, we are starving so I go to the desk and inquire about the roads, which we find out are closed until at least noon.
BY this time, I'm starving and wanting to go somewhere for breakfast, that wasn't a possibility because of the roads. So, we ended up going to the convenience store across the street and grabbing stuff from there. I assumed we would at least be able to venture into the town for lunch, wrong. After spending the morning calling my Dad and some relatives, we spent the rest of the morning watching TV and joking about the whole situation. Lunch time rolls around and we just catch the news report that the roads going north are closed for the rest of the day. ACK!!! We have no more clean clothes!
With that lovely news in mind, mom and I attempt to drive into town, no luck there, the tires just spin on the ice in the parking lot and I have to coax the land barge back into a parking spot which was no easy feat for a Southern girl. I of course then made the trek over to the convenience store to scavenge food for lunch. Thank goodness for microwaves :) This type of routine goes on for another day until the roads open up. We actually washed our clothes in the sink with shampoo, added conditioner to the rinse water for fabric softener and dried them on top of the heater. How's that for improvisation???
By the time we were able to leave, the car was covered in snow and ice and I was certainly not equipped to shovel (or whatever you call it) snow off the car. So, more improvising with a hotel garbage can and hot water from the tub. The drive home was pretty uneventful except for 2 spots that required being pulled through the snow and ice. You have to love guys in trucks with a wench who just stay in a spot and help people who get stuck. I heart the South :) The short trip home did take forever but it was worth it to be in our own beds and have real CLEAN clothes.
This post was still in draft form and I finished it today (3/5), one week and a day since my Mom went to Heaven.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Normalcy
I am trying to maintain at least some sense of normalcy in the household throughout these trying times. This week R and I (and Dad too) have worked with hearts-coloring, counting and identifying smallest and largest. We will use some of these as Valentines for the grandparents.
Last night all of us made a devil's food cake to take with us to Alabama-with a few slices sampled of course. R did most of the adding of ingredients, turned on the mixer, and helped pour the batter into the pans. She was so proud! She kept saying "my first cake". Precious.
I have to include how the cake baking came to be.... R and the hubby went to the grocery store on Wednesday. When hubby went to check out, there was a cake mix in the cart he didn't put in there. Our little chocaholic snagged it and added it in. Hubby says she insisted on holder her chocolate the entire way home and he spent quite a while explaining to her she couldn't eat it right then.
Last night all of us made a devil's food cake to take with us to Alabama-with a few slices sampled of course. R did most of the adding of ingredients, turned on the mixer, and helped pour the batter into the pans. She was so proud! She kept saying "my first cake". Precious.
I have to include how the cake baking came to be.... R and the hubby went to the grocery store on Wednesday. When hubby went to check out, there was a cake mix in the cart he didn't put in there. Our little chocaholic snagged it and added it in. Hubby says she insisted on holder her chocolate the entire way home and he spent quite a while explaining to her she couldn't eat it right then.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tears
I feel like I have shed a million tears over the past few days, and millions more over the past few months. I know there are even more millions to come.
My heart aches, my entire body hurts and I feel as if I am walking around in a daze. My Mom's health continues to decline and my father has finally admitted he can no longer meet her needs by himself. She requires almost total care now-she needs help in and out of bed, in and out of the chair, with toileting, dressing, etc. Right now she is in the hospital because she is unable to hold food down and is very weak. So far, I know nothing about her condition except for her vital signs are stable. Not knowing is sometimes much worse than the alternative. I know death is coming soon for her and I have accepted that. I understand I will see her again and we will be a forever family. I just want her pain and suffering to end, I want her to be calm and at peace.
I am still hoping to get both of my parents unto an assisted living facility in the next few weeks. Technically, Mom is too severe for one but they are willing to give Dad the extra help until Hospice can be called in. She can't get into an ALF while under Hospice so we are waiting for her to move in and then get her started with them.
On another front, my oldest niece just suffered a major loss. Baby Nora was due 2/12/2010 and she went home to GOD on Monday. My niece went to her Doctor's appointment Monday and they couldn't find a heartbeat, same thing at the hospital. Labor was induced on Tuesday and baby Nora was born hours later. The doctors have no real explanation at this point. There is a possibility the cord was kinked or something comparable. My heart just breaks for my niece-she was so excited about Nora. She was truly the happiest I had seen her in years. She did everything right in her pregnancy-no alcohol, no smoking, no caffeine, eating healthy, etc. I know sometimes things just happen but it is so hard to accept. No one has told my father about the baby yet and neither my brother nor I want to, even though we know it's necessary. I do have a dear cousin who is a counselor and close to the family who has offered to come in from out of town and be with my parents when my brother tells them.
All of this leaves me feeling like I should be 3 places at once. I need to be at work-I have obligations there not to mention upcoming subpoenas. I need to be with my Mom and Dad and I need to be with my niece and brother. What to do???????????? I'm praying fervently for strength and guidance but am also experiencing some wavering in my faith. That too makes me feel guilty. So for now, I am walking around in a daze from lack of sleep, massive stress, and overwhelming emotions.
My heart aches, my entire body hurts and I feel as if I am walking around in a daze. My Mom's health continues to decline and my father has finally admitted he can no longer meet her needs by himself. She requires almost total care now-she needs help in and out of bed, in and out of the chair, with toileting, dressing, etc. Right now she is in the hospital because she is unable to hold food down and is very weak. So far, I know nothing about her condition except for her vital signs are stable. Not knowing is sometimes much worse than the alternative. I know death is coming soon for her and I have accepted that. I understand I will see her again and we will be a forever family. I just want her pain and suffering to end, I want her to be calm and at peace.
I am still hoping to get both of my parents unto an assisted living facility in the next few weeks. Technically, Mom is too severe for one but they are willing to give Dad the extra help until Hospice can be called in. She can't get into an ALF while under Hospice so we are waiting for her to move in and then get her started with them.
On another front, my oldest niece just suffered a major loss. Baby Nora was due 2/12/2010 and she went home to GOD on Monday. My niece went to her Doctor's appointment Monday and they couldn't find a heartbeat, same thing at the hospital. Labor was induced on Tuesday and baby Nora was born hours later. The doctors have no real explanation at this point. There is a possibility the cord was kinked or something comparable. My heart just breaks for my niece-she was so excited about Nora. She was truly the happiest I had seen her in years. She did everything right in her pregnancy-no alcohol, no smoking, no caffeine, eating healthy, etc. I know sometimes things just happen but it is so hard to accept. No one has told my father about the baby yet and neither my brother nor I want to, even though we know it's necessary. I do have a dear cousin who is a counselor and close to the family who has offered to come in from out of town and be with my parents when my brother tells them.
All of this leaves me feeling like I should be 3 places at once. I need to be at work-I have obligations there not to mention upcoming subpoenas. I need to be with my Mom and Dad and I need to be with my niece and brother. What to do???????????? I'm praying fervently for strength and guidance but am also experiencing some wavering in my faith. That too makes me feel guilty. So for now, I am walking around in a daze from lack of sleep, massive stress, and overwhelming emotions.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Toddler Art
Thought I would share some of R's art- We used these for grandparent gifts and hubby got one too. R used watercolors on canvas. She enjoyed the splattering part the most :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Holiday rewind
Our holidays were rather uneventful this year-which is a good thing. We spent Christmas week in Alabama with my parents and my brother and his 2 girls were there for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I was a little dissapointed the hubby's daughters didn't come down for a day to see their little sister but all in all, everything went well.
Once again, we had the traditional breakfast casserole (Cracker Barrel knock off) and a pretty simple lunch. Christmas lunch was:
Smoked turkey breast from Honey Baked Ham
Coleslaw leftover from Christmas Eve
Sweet Potato casserole
Chicken and dressing-my MIL's recipe
Veggie casserole prepared by my niece
Homemade rolls from someone at Mom and Dad's church
Banana cream pie my niece made
I thought about making a pecan pie but decided against it. Mom and Dad already had a cake someone brought over and cookies and candy sent by my MIL. The last thing we needed was more sweets.
Christmas morning was too funny. The hubby and I were up drinking coffee, not expecting little one up for quite a while since she was up so late the night before. Well, little gets up without saying anything and walks into the livingroom and sees her tricycle. I hear her say "that's mine" so I yell for the hubby to get her. He runs, picks her up and whisks her back into the bedroom while I cover up her Santa toys with a blanket. I then occupied R long enough for the hubby to get the video camera so we could tape her seeing the Santa toys. Poor kid was so confused :)
Finances were/are tight for everyone this year so the gifts were simple and that was okay for me. I actually enjoyed Christmas more because there was no rush to wrap, find, buy, make those last minute items. We got to focus on The Reason for the Season and being together as a family.
On another note: No pattern sewing is NOT for me. 1st pair of pjs I forgot to stretch the waist out before cutting, 2nd pair-not sure what happened but they were lopsided-majorly. So, no matching PJs this year. I think I'll look for winter themed fabric in the next couple of weeks and buy a pattern so I can start early for this Christmas 2010.
I did get alot done at my parent's home during the week. You can't tell but I made 3 trips to the thrift store with the back of my car stuffed, put a small chest of drawers and bookshelf out on the street for pickup and threw away massive amounts of trash. My hubby put in a handheld shower to make it easier for my Mom to get a bath. I also put 10 + meals in the freezer for the parents to have for dinner. My next trip will involve cleaning out the kitchen-Mom has enough dishes to serve an army.
Once again, we had the traditional breakfast casserole (Cracker Barrel knock off) and a pretty simple lunch. Christmas lunch was:
Smoked turkey breast from Honey Baked Ham
Coleslaw leftover from Christmas Eve
Sweet Potato casserole
Chicken and dressing-my MIL's recipe
Veggie casserole prepared by my niece
Homemade rolls from someone at Mom and Dad's church
Banana cream pie my niece made
I thought about making a pecan pie but decided against it. Mom and Dad already had a cake someone brought over and cookies and candy sent by my MIL. The last thing we needed was more sweets.
Christmas morning was too funny. The hubby and I were up drinking coffee, not expecting little one up for quite a while since she was up so late the night before. Well, little gets up without saying anything and walks into the livingroom and sees her tricycle. I hear her say "that's mine" so I yell for the hubby to get her. He runs, picks her up and whisks her back into the bedroom while I cover up her Santa toys with a blanket. I then occupied R long enough for the hubby to get the video camera so we could tape her seeing the Santa toys. Poor kid was so confused :)
Finances were/are tight for everyone this year so the gifts were simple and that was okay for me. I actually enjoyed Christmas more because there was no rush to wrap, find, buy, make those last minute items. We got to focus on The Reason for the Season and being together as a family.
On another note: No pattern sewing is NOT for me. 1st pair of pjs I forgot to stretch the waist out before cutting, 2nd pair-not sure what happened but they were lopsided-majorly. So, no matching PJs this year. I think I'll look for winter themed fabric in the next couple of weeks and buy a pattern so I can start early for this Christmas 2010.
I did get alot done at my parent's home during the week. You can't tell but I made 3 trips to the thrift store with the back of my car stuffed, put a small chest of drawers and bookshelf out on the street for pickup and threw away massive amounts of trash. My hubby put in a handheld shower to make it easier for my Mom to get a bath. I also put 10 + meals in the freezer for the parents to have for dinner. My next trip will involve cleaning out the kitchen-Mom has enough dishes to serve an army.
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